the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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