I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
