Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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