this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
