You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
She tied me up with her honor cords...
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
