I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
