i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
