I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
