ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
