stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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