i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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