we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
