At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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