If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
