I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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