Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
