What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
