I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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