the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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