My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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