Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
