This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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