can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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