Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
