dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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