i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
