I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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