the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
