genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
