Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
