She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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