I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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