Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Vodka?
Forever.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
