I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
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