Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
