everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
