You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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