Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
