just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
