sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
