Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
