woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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