OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
