His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Randomize
