Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Green mimosas i think yes
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
