Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
