i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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