you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
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