I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
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