What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
