I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
