Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
