I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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