Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
