If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
