So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
