My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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