The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
