I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
