Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
