i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Randomize
