I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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