I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Randomize
