just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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