Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
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Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
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So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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