your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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